my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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