She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
