Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
