I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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