And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
