My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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