he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
