i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Of course I have a pirate flag
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
