yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
