It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
