I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
