I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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