Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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