I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
