what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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