someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got inside last night via doggy door
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize