Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
