Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
