The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
