i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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