I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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