I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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