Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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