I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize