It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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