who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize