At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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