you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
