I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
