well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
