It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
