Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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