I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
