We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
