My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
