quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
