Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
