everyone is single if you try hard enough
He uses pillows to masturbate.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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