There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
