After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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