new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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