I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
