just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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