if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
