My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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