u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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