sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize