dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
