I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
A bitchslap is in order.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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