You're my little dorito
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
