I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
