how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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