In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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