grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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