Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
