So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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